A New Hope for the PE Coaches
by JediKnightoftheRougeSquadron
Summary: Coree is a not-so-regular girl on Earth, when she meets a couple of pshycho PE coaches who are Jedi, and then she goes into the Star Wars universe, which, unfortunately, means there are lots of problems for the characters.  Mostly humor.  Slightly AU.
1. Chapter 1

**Coach Jennings: **What are we doing here?

**Coach Hill: **We're the PE coaches. That's what we do.

**Coach Chasteen: **_reads note _Knight says that we're the introduction to the story, and that she is hiding somewhere in the Antarctic until she goes back to read it, because it's her first story, and she thinks she's going to epically fail.

**Coach Hill:** _takes and reads note _She also says that it is really cold.

_Both coaches look at him._

**Coach Hill: **What? It does say that! But she also says that she doesn't own Star Wars whatsoever.

**Coach Jennings: **Um, on with the story!

XxX

Coree Williams is weird. There is no doubt about it.

She actually has a black belt (or wishes she did), she can do a mimicry of any birdcall on the planet (perfectly), and is a total Star Wars geek. (This is absolutely true.)

So one day she decided to mess around with the Star Wars universe. She and her pet dragon,Roy, decided to go and make a Wii controller that could control all of the Star Wars plot, characters, and theme.

And, yes, the rumors are mostly true.

However, the one where she tried to control Wes Janson to fly onto the Death Star, and run up and down the PA system room with all the comms going and screaming "Luke Skywalker is gay!" is completely false. He did this of his own accord.

But a little before that is her story, well, before the Wii controller, of how she got mixed up in the whole thing and how the whole Star Wars universe had the most interesting thing happen since the invention of the hyperdrive, and the invention of sliced bread on the Outer Rim planet of Earth.

XxX

Coree faced the track ahead of her and nudged her best and only friend Tatiana Rovanil.

"Think you can make it?"

Tatiana looked at it dubiously.

"I don't know. I stayed up late last night that Clown Wars episode last night."

Tatiana and Coree were what most people call dorks, but Coree and Tatiana glorified in their dorkiness. They glorified in being different.

"I am sooo gonna die," Tatiana groaned.

Coree grinned. "I'll be sure to press charges," she joked.

Tatiana snorted, then started running as the whistle blew.

Coree ran fast, and then she started wondering the differences of different types of pie. She was currently was debating the pros and cons of lemon meringue vs. pumpkin when the whistle blew to go inside.

Then, in the locker room, she got a huge migraine in the locker room, and during lunch her imaginary friends Joe, Schmo, and Mickey (yes, it's a girl's name) told her to do something.

Her headache cleared, and suddenly she knew what to do. Not only would it be so much fun, but it would show up her Social Studies teacher, whom she felt annoyed at for no apparent reason.

She grinned wickedly. This was going to be the greatest moment ever in the history of Oreos!

XxX

There was no doubt about it. The girl simply was a natural.

Coach Jennings turned down the corrider to his office.

_I oughtta spar with Hill, _he thought. _He'll be sure to know what to do about the young'un. I also need a watermelon._

He met Coach Hill at the coach's office.

"I need to spar," he said without preamble. "And a watermelon."

Coach Hill grunted, a man of few words. "All right. Where?"

"The usual. See you in ten minutes. As for the watermelon, Sprout's."

"I'll notify Chasteen. And seriously, come on. You shop at Sprout's? The best place to go is the farmer's market."

"Hill, have I told you what an idiot you are?"

Coach Hill grinned. "Yes, sir! 9,267 times!"

Coach Jennings counted. "Nope, it was 9,342 times!"

Coach Hill scowled. "Shut up!"

Coach Jennings headed to his own office, where he changed into a light tunic and pants. He hadn't had a good spar since August. Actually, August 16th. Why this is important to this story at all is anybody's guess.

He finished clipped his weapon onto his belt, and set off for the woods at a dead run.

WhenJenningsreached the clearing, he tensed. He brought up his weapon just in time to deflect a blow from Chasteen.

"I'm getting rusty," Coach Chasteen, a lean, muscled woman, remarked casually. "I nearly didn't hear you in time."

"Good for you," Hill said sarcastically, as he joined the fight, back from getting the watermelon, which was discarded temporarily.

The spar continued until they all were breathing heavily, and they ended it with a slight bow, and powered down their weapons.

Coach Jennings shook the sweat out of his eyes, reclipped his weapon, and laid his hands on its hilt.

The hilt of a lightsaber.

And he took a bite out of the watermelon without even cutting it, which is gross and random and makes your narrator think he must have really, really strong teeth.

And then, his whole world turned upside-down. Literally.

XxX

**Coach Chasteen: **_reads note again _Knight will not continue unless she gets 100 reviews.

_Knight yells at her from some part of the Antarctic._

**Coach Chasteen: **_rolls eyes_ Whatever ya say, kid. Knight says she will continue no matter what, but she also would really like reviews, because it is her first time. Happy, kid?

**Coaches Hill and Jennings: **So review!

**Coach Jennings: **Especially if you want to guess what Coree is planning!


	2. Chapter Two

**Knight: **_whispers _I'm hiding. Don't tell Luke or Obi-Wan.

**Luke: **Ha! We found you!

**Knight: **Aargh! I'm being chased by two psycho Jedi Knights!

**Luke: **Wait, I'm gonna be a Jedi Knight? Awesome!

**Knight: **_mumbles _I never should have said that.

**Luke: **What?

**Knight: **_clears throat _First of all, I don't own Star Wars or anything else that you've heard of before. Second, if anything that sounds like your writing, I've just let it slip in, because I read this stuff a LOT. Third of all, on with the story!

XxX

Coree was having weird dreams.

But she was always having weird dreams. Yesterday, she had a dream about Morgana le Fay possessing gigantic octopi and taking over the world with catapults of jelly, and Edmund Pevensie had to save the day…

But tonight, she had a dream where a dark-skinned bald man was confronting an old decrepit man. The old man asked if they could have refreshments. Baldy picked up a telephone that had appeared out of nowhere, and started to call Pizza Hut. He listened to Old and ordered a large mushroom and ham pizza. When the pizza arrived, our two favorite deranged hobbits sprinted out of a random portal that had appeared, and one of the hobbits stole all the mushrooms on the pizza. Then, Earl Bedwas stumbled out of another random portal and demanded to know who had taken his staff. Samwise cackled madly, and held up the staff. Earl tackled Samwise and they went rolling into another portal. Frodo stayed and munched on a couple mushrooms until he find the best one. "Ah ha! The one mushroom to rule them all!" Then Sauron showed up, and Frodo took one look at him and hightailed it out of there, with Sauron hot on his heels.

Baldy looked at Old.

"What?" he said defensively. "My office has many perks, as part of being the Supreme Chancellor."

Coree didn't quite get this, but she thought he had just said the "Supreme Chancer", because Palpatine (some kind of neon sign hung over his head that said it was his name) kind of slurred it together, because Mace (on another neon sign) had just put his lightsaber to the old man's throat.

Coree had no clue, but she suspected this had nothing to do with Nicely-Nicely Johnson and Havana bartenders.

Then, an insanely hot guy burst in.

The Pie Gambler took his chance.

"Mace betrayed the Republic, Anakin! Not only did he take all of the mushrooms, it's been him who has been painting the Seperatist's speeders."

"It wasn't me, it was him!" Mace said to Anakin.

Anakin looked between the two. Finally, his eyes rested on Mace.

"Sorry, Mace. I need the Pie Gambler to help me save my hot queen/senator/negotiator wife."

He then somehow, pushed Mace out of a window.

"Welcome to the dark side, my young apprentice," Pie Man cackled. "We've got cookies!"

Then her dream shifted. A man with an impressive beard shouted to Anakin, who now looked like a cat with yellow eyes, "Don't do it! I have the high ground."

"Shut up," Cat-Anakin growled.

They started fighting until Obi-Wan (another neon sign) slipped and fell forwards onto Anakin. Obi-Wan managed not to fall, but Anakin fell down right next to a vat of lava. Obi-Wan winced. "Oops," he said.

"I hate you!" Catani screamed.

"Sorry, but since you're a Sith, I can't save you. Plus, it would mess up the plot."

"I still hate you!" he screamed.

"Whatever," Obi-Wan said, rolling his eyes. "In the name of Brooklyn!"

And then, he turned away.

And that is when Coree woke up.

She glanced around at her room, and smiled, the got out of bed, and put her feet on the ceiling.

Yep, life was interesting.

XxX

**Knight:** I'm here! Still, I haven't revealed what Coree did yet. (Cackles madly). Review if you want to guess!


	3. Chapter 3

**Knight: **Mwahahahaha! Now Luke can't accuse me of not paying attention to the story. And I'm really sorry for not continuing, but I got writer's block. Yep, it lasted for about a month or two. Sorry! But since you're here to read and not listen to me blab, on with the story!

xXx

**Chapter Three: Bickering and Breakfast**

Somewhere else in the galaxy, two droids are bickering about whether _The Lightning Thief _was a good movie. The tall, gold one said, "I don't care _what _you say, Artoo! It was an epic!" The short blue one beeped. "What does it matter that Annabeth and Grover didn't look like you thought they would? They both played their parts well!"

He muttered under his breath, "Honestly. I would've traded you for the Empire about now. At least they think it is _okay_."

Darth Vader burst into the starship. "_The Lightning Thief _was horrible!" he roared. "They changed _everything_!"

R2 beeped. _You said it, pal. Now I gotta go find a princess. _And with that, he

rolled away.

A random stormtrooper (how about we call him Roy) said, "Uh, how about we follow him?"

"Nah," one of the stormtrooper (we'll call him Benny) said, "We gotta go find those plans. Plus, I just _know_ there is a Starbucks on this ship."

"A Starbucks? Where?" Roy said like he was a little kid. Benny shrugged. "To your left."

Realize this, Roy loves his coffee. And he was about to become a coffee-consuming swirling vortex of destruction. And the owner, Eugene, as much a he loves customers, he was you know, just a little bit nervous. Just a teensy, itty-bitty bit.

"Uh… this isn't the coffee place you're looking for?" he offered hopefully. Let's just say his hope was somewhat false.

Meanwhile, Benny had actually been looking for the plans when he found the **Frying Pan of DOOM **in all its glory. He dashed over to it and said, "Ooh, it's sparkly!" He started frying some bacon and eggs in an escape pod, which conveniently had a stove. Then Roy found him and they started having a decent breakfast. That is, until and officer name Larry Blake said "What exactly are you _doing_ in here?"

Roy answered with his mouth full. "Having breakfast," he said mildly.

Then the storm _really_ hit.

"WE NEED TO FIND DOW PLANS! IF PRINCESS POTATO CHIPS FINDS OUT WHICH LEGOS, SUPARGLUE, AND BARBED WIRE TO MANIPULATE AND WHICH MARGARNINE TO EAT, WE ARE **DOOMED**!"

Benny nodded then swallowed. "Good to know," he said sincerely.

Then Larry tripped over something invisible and fell into the escape pod that the two were eating in!

And some annoying and obnoxious rebel named Barry shoved a red glowing button to see what would happen.

xXx

Don't worry; we'll come back to the three stooges. You know, eventually.

So, R2 had been walking along when some guy in a Speedo yelled 'BOOO!' at him. The guy seemed disappointed when nothing happened and left. _What the heck? _Artoo thought. _Must be a sleepover_, he decided.

Just then, a girl with CINNAMON BUNS for _BRAINS_ hissed really loudly, "Psst, ARTOO!"

Artoo beeped. _I'm here. _

"No duh," Princess Potato Chips said.

Meanwhile, you narrator is wondering show she learned to speak in droid. _I _personally have learned Italian in Science class, but do they offer droid as a language course at, like, universities in the Star Wars galaxy or something? To the computer!

Oh yeah, right. The story.

"Artoo, I need you to, like, keep the plans for the most destructive, life-changing weapon in the universe `cause I'm too lazy for the responsibility."

_Whatever. Just gimme the plans_.

"Okay here you go," she said, then struck a dramatic pose.

"Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?"

She held up the act for about two seconds.

"Okay, listen Kenobi, go to Alderaan. And sorry to be cliché much, but, dude, you're my only hope."

xXx

R2 found C-3PO and they had blasted off, going to a dust ball someone decided to name Tatooine. C-3PO was tearing out imaginary hair. "Why, oh why, do we have to go to a planet that sounds like it owns too much ink?"

xXx

Meanwhile, in the three Musketeer's pod, Larry Blake was tearing out real hair.

"I don't know what to do! The manual never mentioned any scenarios like this!"

Roy patted his arm. "I know it's a lot to take in. But since you are stuck with us for a while-"

Benny passed an object to Roy, who proffered it to Commander Blake.

"Bacon?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Knight: **You will find out what Coree did, eventually, ha, but for now, I don't own Star Wars, if I did, this would not be fanfiction, and now, on with the story!

XxX

"Well, now, you've got us into another fine mess, Artoo," sniffed Threepio. "And seriously, couldn't you have gone to a more wet planet? Because this reminds me of a beach that doesn't know where to stop!"

(A giant face in the sand showed up.)

"I will now eat you, because I am a giant beach that does not know where to stop!" it cackled.

Threepio waved his hand impatiently at the sand monster, who shrieked and said, "Agghhh! It burns!" and melted away into the sand.

Threepio said, "Where was I? Oh, yes!"

"And the krayt dragon skeleton on the nearby hill is a bit much, isn't it? I mean, really, these people's views of interior design will kill me!"

Artoo beeped. A loose translation means _Gaah!_

"I'm sorry, my comrade, I didn't quite catch that. What did you say?"

He again beeped. _Uhh… nothing. Nothing…at all! _

"Oh, well, and…where are you going?"

_Far away! _

A random dude popped out of the sand and said, "Far out! Whoaa!" and then, he just disappeared.

"What makes you think that there is intelligent life over there? For all we know, we could be entirely alone on this planet!"

_You are forgetting that we keep on being scared out of our wits by _intelligent beings _that pop out of the sand and then disappear_.

"Well, I'm going this way because it looks way more sandy and I want to die from heat stroke!"

_I hate to break it to you, but, uh, you're a droid, therefore, you can't die, and especially not from heat stroke_!

_And I'm going whether you like that or not!_

"Fine then, be that way! And don't beg me to come!"

As Threepio shuffled away, R2 beeped to himself.

_Yes! I've gotten him out of my circuits! _

He rolled along as he was mentally partying from 3-PO letting him be.

Then a Jawa shorted out his circuits and he wouldn't work for a day or so.

What a bummer.

XxX

Threepio was shuffling along.

"My life is over! I should've fallen apart about twenty years ago, when I my head was severed and I was half-battle droid, half-prim and proper me! Oh, R2, I'm done for!"

Some man popped out of the sand. "Often, we never learn our lesson until we have our heads upon the chopping block," he said wisely.

Threepio was now hysterical.

"Who do you think you are - Obi-Wan Kenobi? And I'm going to get my head chopped off?"

"Calm down!" the man said. "I'm just going to keep you on your toes? I mean, come on!"

Threepio was being like Joseph Pulitzer, that is, in Newsies. He was a bit wrong in the head, if you get my meaning.

I will not describe the various obscenities and swearwords that went crashing down onto the old sage's ears. He promptly hurried off to consult one of his buddies who was apparently training "The Chosen One".

_But then again, Albus doesn't know about Anakin or Luke, the new hope, _he thought.

Threepio then was left alone with his mumblings, until a big block thing showed up on the horizon.

"A transport! By gum, I'm saved! Over here!" he yelled, not so smartly.

Then, a Jawa picked him up, shorted him out, stowed him in the crawler, and then, when he woke up, he saw R2-D2.

"Artoo!" he said happily, like a little kid.

_Nnnnoooooo! Not you again!_


End file.
